The other woman…..
      

                            

        A week had passed in this new house and yet I was a total stranger lost in the house full of relatives, guests, family members. Elders in the house were bidding adieu to the guests who finally realized that one week after the wedding it was time for them to go back home. Far in the other corner of the house, the younger lot were unwrapping the gifts and gossiping about the big day celebrations. Outside in the verandah, the kids were busy playing and discussing the games they would play with their new aunty. Amidst all the hustle-bustle, I stood quietly in my room, still trying to make out who is who, when he came and stood in front of me.  He was standing barely 2 feet away from me, his dark black eyes staring at me. It had been a week since we took the vow and we became man and wife, but not once had we got the time to sit alone and talk. 

        Ours was not a love marriage, it was a match arranged by both set of parents, and so I had suspected that I would have goose bumps at his first stare but surprisingly I stood calm and composed. His eyes read not of love but of trust, which left me in a state of confusion. Before I could figure out what was happening, couple of his sisters, unaware of the word “privacy”, pushed themselves into the room and dragged him away. His eyes still trying to convey something that my mind failed to read.

           Later in the evening we escaped the pondering eyes of the family and met at the terrace. He stood there, his eyes staring at me yet again, forcing me to figure out what his heart wanted to convey. Strange as it may sound, I realized he wanted to talk about the “other woman” in his life. Ever since our first meeting, I was aware of this other woman in his life. The other woman, here being, none other than his motherland. I knew since day one that however dutiful a wife I become, I will never be his first love for he had already promised his life and death to another woman.

        My mother was not particularly happy with this match, because any dotting mother in her right senses would not want her daughter to marry a man who constantly lives under the shadow of death. But I instantly fell for this army man, in fact it was his love and loyalty for the other woman that attracted me towards this man in uniform. I was well aware that my life would not be like other Indian wives but I was not expecting him to leave me for his first love within a week of our marriage. His heart was torn between his duty towards the nation and his responsibility towards his bride. While the dark clouds of war were taking the entire nation under its wraps, I knew country needed this man much more than I did.

        Next morning while everyone in the house gathered to bless him and pray for the safety of the nation, our eyes met again, this time his eyes urging me to have faith in him. I wished him luck not knowing if I would ever see this man again. In the days that followed, my huge family tried to pacify me and I too tried to keep myself occupied with the household chores. Every time the door bell rang, my heart skipped a beat, praying that the person on the other side is not carrying the worst news of my life.

        Sometimes sitting alone in the balcony, tracing the narrow path between the lush green fields, hoping to see him come running from the far end I think was it a wise decision to marry a man who I am sharing with another woman? But the thought would vanish in no time, making me feel proud of the man who is so loyal to the country, to his duty, to the other woman that not once did he think of taking a step back. 

        On one hand are handful of monsters who murder innocent people, who shamelessly rape girls, who steal common man’s bread and butter and on other hand are men like my husband who serve their motherland selflessly, who leave their family to protect zillion of strangers out there, who without slightest fear are putting their lives at stake for the safety of fellow countrymen.  As much as I think of him, I fall more and more in love not just with him but also with the other woman in his life. His unconditional love for the nation where he was born, his unquestionable devotion to the land of his dreams, his unrestricted patriotism for his motherland, gives me the strength to share my man with this other woman. 

        While he is earnestly fighting for the safety of the other woman, I am faithfully praying for the well being of my loving husband, his companions and for the woman herself. I SALUTE the brave- hearts who fearlessly face the enemies at the borders and I also SALUTE the wives of these soldiers who like me are sharing their husbands with the motherland and giving them the strength to be real heroes of the nations. Here I am still waiting for him to run through the green fields and hug me tight.   JAI HIND!!!

Life...Death...and everything in between!!!

        "No...God please no...please no" I was screaming. These words were now part of my morning prayers and the pain a daily ritual. For almost a month now, I woke up with a heavy head. My head hurting so bad each morning that I would cry in misery and pull my hair. No amount of home remedies had slightest effect on my pain; neither were the medicines working as expected. The pain lasted throughout the day and the intensity remained more or less the same. Work diverted my attention away from my agony but the pain refused to cease. 

        Finally when it became unbearable I decided to visit a specialist and get to the root cause of my head ache. Visiting clinics always sends shivers down my nerves but this time I gathered the courage to face all the test and check up with a brave heart. That night out of all the nights I tried to put myself to sleep not just with the distress but also with the fear of undergoing innumerable medical checkups.

        "No...God please no...please no" I woke up before dawn break with nervousness overshadowing my pain. At doctor's clinic, the long list of test that I had to undergo in next couple of days only added to my trauma. After facing the medical weapons, seeing the doctor pull blood out of my body ruthlessly, the needles being punctured in my skin I thought it was the end of my suffering but little did I know it was the beginning of an infinite period of ordeal. The doctor, with utmost ease read out my reports stating that I was diagnosed with brain tumor and that it was too late to expect a miracle. BRAIN TUMOR?? Is he serious? Does that mean that I have very few days left before I leave for a heavenly journey? My last journey? No this can’t be true after all I am just 25!!!

            It took me a while to understand that death had nothing to do with my age, nothing to do with my dreams, nothing to do with my wish to live. It dawned on me that I had to act strong in front of my parents because when I break this news to them they will die a hundred times before my actual death. For first time in years I realized the importance of time. My entire past stood in front of me as a monster now. I had just recently applied for a car loan so that my aged parents don’t have to face the crowd in public transport, after my death who will repay the loan? I had an ugly fight with my best friend and our egos kept us from resolving the issue, but now do I have the time to apologize? To hug him? To bury our differences and to go on long drives again? I had totally immersed myself in my work over the past few years hoping to make it big in life. But will these years of work give me a second chance to live so that I can catch up with my old friends? Watch all the movies that I missed? Give me an opportunity to go back in time so that I can attend all the family functions that I skipped owing to my work? I secretly fell in love with my friend two years back but I never gathered the courage to express my feelings fearing I will lose him forever. But now when I was losing myself to death should I not tell him how much I love him? 

            With death approaching me, all my dreams of being his wife, of being loved by him, of telling him that he is the only person I ever loved came crashing. Marriage, kids all these had now become a distant reality. I never indulged in petite corporate politics but the peppy games that were played by my colleagues had made me indifferent to them and I never enjoyed my work place. Do I now have the time to change things? To make my office a better place to work? Due to my shyness I had not once in my entire life told my parents, my friends, my relatives how much I love them but do I have enough time left to make up for the loss? No, the answer to all my questions was a simple NO. Over the years I have simply lived a lifeless life, a mere robotic programmed life. In fact it won’t be a surprise if I say that I had not really lived my life in all these years. With handful of breathes left I have to mend all the relations that I have messed up, I have to finish all unfinished business, I have to live a life that will not be mine anymore. Fear was creeping in at the speed of light but I was helpless, helpless to the most certain event of my life.

            "No...God please no...please no" I woke up in middle of the night. My entire body soaked in sweat, my heart beating so fast that I could hear my heartbeats, my hands and feet turning lifeless, I was clueless what was happening. I took a deep breath and realized it was the nightmare that had almost killed me. I fought my worst fear throughout the night and rushed to the clinic, first thing in the morning. While the doctor was analyzing my report I was silently praying that my nightmare would not turn into a reality. I thank my lucky stars that the reports read that I had nothing but sinus and that I will be fine in sometime. 

            On my way home I realized how one nightmare had taught me the most important lesson of my life, so what God spared me this time but death is unpredictable and I should not take my life for granted. It was time for me to start my life afresh, enjoy every moment to the fullest so that when death comes knocking, I die peacefully rather than with regrets. It took me one nightmare to get the picture of what LIFE is, what DEATH is and what EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN is!!! Right from this very moment let us get back to THAT THING CALLED LIFE!!!  

                                     If only I could...........

          Tomorrow, I won’t see the day break from this balcony, tomorrow I won’t sip my morning coffee with you, tomorrow I won’t witness this chaos around me, tomorrow this place will become a forbidden territory for me because tomorrow is the day you choose to end a decade long relationship with me. A decade back, through this very main door you brought me into this house as your newlywed wife and tomorrow when I walk past this door, I will be a stranger to you. Today as I spend the last few hours of my life in this house, I just wish to sit back and walk down the memory lane, just relive those cheerful days, just rewind those happy times, I just want to reminisce my past and not dread my future.

          Together I grew up with you in this place, I agree when we were newly married I didn't know how to make tea, for you my love, I learnt to cook. I know I am not the best cook around but believe me cooking for you and feeding you bought me immense pleasure. Every corner of this house has a fond memory attached, the fight in the kitchen, discussing the world over the dining table, watching movies together in the living area, sharing our dreams in the balcony and having those romantic talks in the bedroom. Oh! You are just not throwing me out of this place but you are eliminating me from your life altogether. 

            Being extremely short tempered, I mellowed down as you made me understand things and helped me deal with my insecurities. I am no longer the person that I was when I walked into your life, as you nourished me through the years. Our world was a happy place, wasn't it? Till all hell broke loose on us! How clearly I remember the fateful day when the reports carried the most gruesome news for us. Like any loving couple, we too had just wished for a little bundle of joy, a child who would complete our world, who would define our undying love for each other, who will fill up this house with mirth and who will call me ma and you dad. 

            What out of the box had we asked HIM for? What unreasonable demand had we made? What sin had we committed to be prohibited of nurturing this dream? If we weren't wrong than why, why was I diagnosed with ovarian cancer? Why was the right of being a mother taken away from me? Why was I looked down with sympathy? Why was I made to see my whole world crash in front of my eyes? Why my love, why? I screamed, I cried, I fought, I vented out my anger in front of you but you I know were gulping in the harsh reality of life while pacifying me. 

            While my emotions were beyond control, I know how difficult it was for you to stay calm and help me go through the surgery and pain. Had it not been for your support I would have never been able to come on terms with this cruel game that destiny played with us. With time the physical pain vanished but till date the mental agony haunts me. It pricks when I think that I can’t happily flaunt my baby bump, it hurts to know that there won’t be any baby shower, it saddens me that we will no longer be like any other couple. The past one year has been really pestering for you, not just because we had to deal with the fact that we will remain childless but also because you had tough time coping with my mood swings. 

         How I wouldn't cook for weeks, how I would refuse to get out of the house, how I would fight with the maid, how I would not eat for days, how I would cry and curse and not come on terms with my infertility annoying you further beyond your level of tolerance. Throughout you have been the most loving husband but when you said "divorce" for the first time, I lost faith in everything. I know this wasn't your first choice to treat the situation but deep down even I knew this was the best thing for you. Why should you be deprived of fatherhood, if I can't be a mother? I could have begged you for dropping the idea of divorce but very strangely deep within I felt you should be given a second chance, a chance to marry another girl, one who can bear your child. As far as I am concerned I don't know where I go from here, but you have given me enough memories to spend the rest of my life reviving them.

        We would have remained man and wife if only I could rewind past one year and change the fate, if only I could be a better partner, if only I could be a mother to your child, if only I could die as your wife, if only I could spend my entire life with you, if only I could to express how much I love you, if only I could tell you that you mean the world to me, if only I could be yours till my last breath my LOVE!!!