If only I could...........
Tomorrow, I won’t see
the day break from this balcony, tomorrow I won’t sip my morning coffee with
you, tomorrow I won’t witness this chaos around me, tomorrow this place will
become a forbidden territory for me because tomorrow is the day you choose to
end a decade long relationship with me. A decade back, through this very main
door you brought me into this house as your newlywed wife and tomorrow when I
walk past this door, I will be a stranger to you. Today as I spend the last few
hours of my life in this house, I just wish to sit back and walk down the
memory lane, just relive those cheerful days, just rewind those happy times, I
just want to reminisce my past and not dread my future.
Together I grew up with you in this place, I agree when we were
newly married I didn't know how to make tea, for you my love, I learnt to cook.
I know I am not the best cook around but believe me cooking for you and feeding
you bought me immense pleasure. Every corner of this house has a fond memory
attached, the fight in the kitchen, discussing the world over the dining table,
watching movies together in the living area, sharing our dreams in the balcony
and having those romantic talks in the bedroom. Oh! You are just not throwing
me out of this place but you are eliminating me from your life altogether.
Being extremely short tempered, I mellowed down as you made me understand
things and helped me deal with my insecurities. I am no longer the person that I
was when I walked into your life, as you nourished me through the years. Our
world was a happy place, wasn't it? Till all hell broke loose on us! How
clearly I remember the fateful day when the reports carried the most gruesome
news for us. Like any loving couple, we too had just wished for a little bundle
of joy, a child who would complete our world, who would define our undying love
for each other, who will fill up this house with mirth and who will call me ma
and you dad.
What out of the box had we asked HIM for? What unreasonable demand
had we made? What sin had we committed to be prohibited of nurturing this
dream? If we weren't wrong than why, why was I diagnosed with ovarian cancer? Why
was the right of being a mother taken away from me? Why was I looked down with
sympathy? Why was I made to see my whole world crash in front of my eyes? Why
my love, why? I screamed, I cried, I fought, I vented out my anger in front of
you but you I know were gulping in the harsh reality of life while pacifying
me.
While my emotions were beyond control, I know how difficult it was for you
to stay calm and help me go through the surgery and pain. Had it not been for
your support I would have never been able to come on terms with this cruel game
that destiny played with us. With time the physical pain vanished but
till date the mental agony haunts me. It pricks when I think that I can’t
happily flaunt my baby bump, it hurts to know that there won’t be any baby
shower, it saddens me that we will no longer be like any other couple. The
past one year has been really pestering for you, not just because we
had to deal with the fact that we will remain childless but also because you
had tough time coping with my mood swings.
How I wouldn't cook for weeks, how I would refuse to get out of
the house, how I would fight with the maid, how I would not eat for days, how I
would cry and curse and not come on terms with my infertility annoying you
further beyond your level of tolerance. Throughout you have been the most
loving husband but when you said "divorce" for the first time, I lost
faith in everything. I know this wasn't your first choice to treat the
situation but deep down even I knew this was the best thing for you. Why should
you be deprived of fatherhood, if I can't be a mother? I could have begged you
for dropping the idea of divorce but very strangely deep within I felt you
should be given a second chance, a chance to marry another girl, one who can
bear your child. As far as I am concerned I don't know where I go from here,
but you have given me enough memories to spend the rest of my life reviving
them.
We would have remained man and wife if only I could rewind past one year
and change the fate, if only I could be a better partner, if only I could be a
mother to your child, if only I could die as your wife, if only I could spend my entire life with you, if only I could to express how much I love you,
if only I could tell you that you mean the world to me, if only I could be
yours till my last breath my LOVE!!!
