"No...God please no...please no" I was screaming. These words were now part of my morning prayers and the pain a daily ritual. For almost a
month now, I woke up with a heavy head. My head hurting so bad each morning
that I would cry in misery and pull my hair. No amount of home remedies had
slightest effect on my pain; neither were the medicines working as expected.
The pain lasted throughout the day and the intensity remained more or less the
same. Work diverted my attention away from my agony but the pain refused to
cease.
Finally when it became unbearable I decided to visit a specialist and
get to the root cause of my head ache. Visiting clinics always sends shivers
down my nerves but this time I gathered the courage to face all the test and
check up with a brave heart. That night out of all the nights I tried to put
myself to sleep not just with the distress but also with the fear of undergoing
innumerable medical checkups.
"No...God please no...please no" I woke up before dawn break with
nervousness overshadowing my pain. At doctor's clinic, the long list of test
that I had to undergo in next couple of days only added to my trauma. After
facing the medical weapons, seeing the doctor pull blood out of my body
ruthlessly, the needles being punctured in my skin I thought it was the end of
my suffering but little did I know it was the beginning of an infinite period
of ordeal. The doctor, with utmost ease read out my reports stating that I was
diagnosed with brain tumor and that it was too late to expect a miracle. BRAIN
TUMOR?? Is he serious? Does that mean that I have very few days left before I
leave for a heavenly journey? My last journey? No this can’t be true after all
I am just 25!!!
It took me a while to understand that death had nothing to do
with my age, nothing to do with my dreams, nothing to do with my wish to live.
It dawned on me that I had to act strong in front of my parents because when I
break this news to them they will die a hundred times before my actual death.
For first time in years I realized the importance of time. My entire past stood
in front of me as a monster now. I had just recently applied for a car loan so
that my aged parents don’t have to face the crowd in public transport, after my
death who will repay the loan? I had an ugly fight with my best friend and our
egos kept us from resolving the issue, but now do I have the time to apologize?
To hug him? To bury our differences and to go on long drives again? I had
totally immersed myself in my work over the past few years hoping to make it
big in life. But will these years of work give me a second chance to live so
that I can catch up with my old friends? Watch all the movies that I missed?
Give me an opportunity to go back in time so that I can attend all the family
functions that I skipped owing to my work? I secretly fell in love with my
friend two years back but I never gathered the courage to express my feelings
fearing I will lose him forever. But now when I was losing myself to death
should I not tell him how much I love him?
With death approaching me, all my
dreams of being his wife, of being loved by him, of telling him that he is the
only person I ever loved came crashing. Marriage, kids all these had now become
a distant reality. I never indulged in petite corporate politics but the peppy
games that were played by my colleagues had made me indifferent to them and I
never enjoyed my work place. Do I now have the time to change things? To make my
office a better place to work? Due to my shyness I had not once in my entire
life told my parents, my friends, my relatives how much I love them but do I
have enough time left to make up for the loss? No, the answer to all my
questions was a simple NO. Over the years I have simply lived a lifeless life,
a mere robotic programmed life. In fact it won’t be a surprise if I say that I
had not really lived my life in all these years. With handful of breathes left
I have to mend all the relations that I have messed up, I have to finish all
unfinished business, I have to live a life that will not be mine anymore. Fear
was creeping in at the speed of light but I was helpless, helpless to the most
certain event of my life.
"No...God
please no...please no" I woke up in middle of the night. My entire body
soaked in sweat, my heart beating so fast that I could hear my heartbeats, my
hands and feet turning lifeless, I was clueless what was happening. I took a
deep breath and realized it was the nightmare that had almost killed me. I
fought my worst fear throughout the night and rushed to the clinic, first thing
in the morning. While the doctor was analyzing my report I was silently praying
that my nightmare would not turn into a reality. I thank my lucky stars that
the reports read that I had nothing but sinus and that I will be fine in
sometime.
On my way home I realized how one nightmare had taught me the most
important lesson of my life, so what God spared me this time but death is unpredictable
and I should not take my life for granted. It was time for me to start my life
afresh, enjoy every moment to the fullest so that when death comes knocking, I
die peacefully rather than with regrets. It took me one nightmare to get the
picture of what LIFE is, what DEATH is and what EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN is!!! Right
from this very moment let us get back to THAT THING CALLED LIFE!!!
