In my prayers!

    Grey clouds had gathered in the sky, water droplets were dripping from the leaves; couples were enjoying a romantic moment as gentle breeze passed by them, children were playing and dancing in joy, nature would have painted one of the most beautiful moments that I was witnessing in the monsoon, only if this was a visual that I was not experiencing from the window of a hospital room. Like most people, I hate going to hospitals. The very sight of white curtains, pale patients, sad relatives, the odor of medicines and medical weapons (as I call them!) make me sick in my stomach. As much as I hate visiting hospitals, I was left with no choice but to be by my brother’s side while he was undergoing a surgery recently.

    While my brother was fast asleep, I had immersed myself in a book to avoid looking at people around and feeling their pain when suddenly I heard some commotion from the bed opposite to my brother. At first I tried to keep my curious mind out of the matter but as the doctors and nurses started running helter-skelter, my brother woke up and asked me what the matter was. I told him that probably the patient on the bed opposite to us had some emergency and the hospital staff was attending to him. I saw a bit of sadness on my brother’s face as he began to tell me the bare minimum he knew about the patient. The patient was a well educated guy in his early thirties who was working in his office as usual when he suddenly fell off the chair about 35 days ago and lost his consciousness. He was immediately taken to the hospital where his family was called and to the utter dismay of his family the guy had a brain hemorrhage and had slipped into coma.

    As my brother was narrating the incident to me, I was visualizing the series of events that would have unfolded that day. The guy may have got up in the morning with thoughts of what work he will be doing in office, the meetings he has to attend, he may have planned an outing with his friends post work, he may have discussed the world news with his father, his mom may have cooked his favorite dish for lunch, he may be waiting for his girlfriend to call him (if he had any) and then suddenly out of nowhere everything came to a standstill.

    While I was still lost in my thoughts, the mother of this patient opened the curtains of his room and I could see this guy lying motionless on his bed with tubes pierced all over his hand and nose. I couldn’t bear the sight of it but just than what I saw filled my head with innumerable thoughts. The mother of this guy was wiping the sweat of his head and was talking to him in Kannada; I don’t understand the language so I couldn’t make out what she was trying to say. The only word that I understood was putta which means beta or dear. From her expressions and body language I felt she was asking him to get up, to speak, to react, to say something-anything, she was probably telling him some stories, asking him if he could recognize her, telling him to be strong and making him laugh as she laughed. The poor lady was trying her best to get a reaction from her son something that she may not have seen since that ill fated day. While the mother was putting all the efforts for her child, the child remained motionless, he didn't even blink his eyes, there was absolutely no acknowledgement, as much as I wished her efforts would bear fruits, at that instant it look as if everything was in vain.

    After having the one-sided conversation with her son, the lady started moving towards her chair when our eyes met. We exchanged smiles and she went to sit on her chair. I saw the lady’s face clearly in that brief moment and the positivity this female radiated shook me. There in front of her lied her young son, who slipped into coma all of a sudden and had since not spoken to his mother, the lady was not sure if her child will ever get back to normal life and yet she remained so calm and composed. I was hardly able to keep myself from crying but the courage that I saw in this lady bought zillions of thoughts in my head, all at once. I couldn’t make out whether the calmness was because she had complete faith that her son will be okay or was the calmness coming from the acceptance of the situation, or was it because she was trying to give herself and her son a hope, or whether the calmness was because she had given in and had no energy to fight or react. Till date I can’t make out what was going on in her head and heart when I saw her but this lady has surely left an impact on my mind.

    This lady to me is exactly what mothers are made up of, no matter what trauma they experience, what emotions they feel, what thoughts they have, they are true pillars of strength for their children. I didn’t see this lady showing any signs of sadness; rather she was showering her love and giving her son the strength that he needed.  For a mother to see her child in a state like this would have shattered her completely and broken her heart into pieces, yet she was carrying a smile on her face, she was maintaining her composure in pain and bearing positive energy in her heart.  I don’t know if the son’s brain could perceive anything but I am sure his heart could feel the love and courage with which his mom was nurturing him and so I am sure that the son will someday get up from the bed and the mother-son duo will celebrate their victory over the ugly game that life had played.

    Ever since that incident I am religiously praying for the son to win over his misery and praying for his mother to get the happiness that she deserves. I will never know if the son ever gets well but in my heart of hearts I know that my prayers will be answered and a mother’s love will succeed. Lots of love, luck and respect to this iron lady and her equally courageous son. Get well soon champ, all my prayers are with you.

Love – as I feel it!!!

   

    “What is love?” he threw a casual question at me over dinner. Not usually the one to not have answers; I promptly replied “Love is everything I feel for you”.  He responded with a smile “Happy to hear that but then again what is it that you feel for me?” I opened my mouth to speak but failed to gather words that could even make up for a single statement. He was enjoying the expression on my face, first time in years he rendered me speechless with simplest of the question. That night I tried hard to put myself to sleep but the conversation over the dinner table played in my mind over and over. It wasn’t the fact that I couldn’t answer him that haunted me but the fact that I have loved this man for years now and yet I can’t tell him in words what is it that I have felt for him all this while?  It was such a simple question and yet the answer seemed so complicated.

     I knew nothing would bring back my sleep so it was time to ponder over the question with a cup of coffee. As I settled down comfortably in my balcony for a long session with my thoughts, I was instantly taken back to the moment when I first felt a connection with my husband. Before I met my husband, I had dated couple of guys and with each one of them it always felt as if I was in love (I guess I didn’t knew even back then what love was!!). The spark would subside in few days and we would part ways. After one such failed relationship, I decided to be single for a while. I told myself I had been through enough of this emotional drama and maybe I just have to put an end to this series of dates and heartbreaks. I moved on with my loveless life concentrating on my career, my family, friends and my own self though I should admit I missed having someone with me.

     This guy (now my husband) had moved into my building some 2 years back in a rented flat and I did see him once in a while in the lift but we never even exchanged smile. During my “being single” phase I had one of those really bad days that had me nearly in tears when I entered the lift. He was there in the lift behind me from where he could certainly not see my face and so he knew nothing of my sadness. I don’t know what triggered the urge in him to talk to me but he did bring a smile on my face. We connected instantly and from there on unfolded my favorite love story. 

    We started chatting casually on Facebook and in no time he became my favorite addiction. I was constantly glued to my phone and was always hoping for a message from him to flash on my phone. We chatted about almost everything and anything under the sun and I started developing a level of comfort with him where I knew I can pour my heart to him. I was still not ready for love and so the idea of dating him never occurred to me. After a brief period of chatting we started hanging out together and on one such outing he casually asked me out. I didn’t see it coming but without judging the situation much I said a yes. We started dating but this time it was not like before, every moment with him seemed so magical, so beautiful. When we were together time came to a standstill, nothing mattered except the 2 of us and as soon as we would part ways to go home we would miss each other instantly. 

    This relationship felt like a fairy tale where my man loved me endlessly but even love has to pass the test of times. When we were enjoying this newly found love for each other he was asked to move to another country for 6 months by his company. Every single cell of my body wanted him to reject this opportunity and to stay back with me but I knew together we had to welcome this chance as it was a dream come true moment for him. We hugged each other and cried ceaselessly at the airport. The next phase was the one that threw so many challenges in the way of our love. 

    We were in two different countries, in two different time zones and in two different state of mind. Long distant relationships are never easy because you don’t have him with you when you need him, you can’t hug him when you want to, you have to trust him and his loyalty towards you, you have to develop oodles of patience, you have to celebrate your special days without each other’s physical presence and you have to learn to hide your worries in order to not add any burden to them. We tried our best to figure out a way through this and so we set a rule book on do’s and don’ts. We did try to stick to our rule book but love is not an emotion that can be controlled or trained.

     It was hard for me to not see him and I would cry myself to sleep at night. When we spoke in the morning via video call he would see my swollen face and it would fill him with guilt of choosing his dream over me. We started arguing and fighting a lot over small matters. It wasn’t that our love for each other was turning cold but guilt, loneliness, worry were overpowering our love for each other. Things started turning soil to the extent that we had started considering break up as the best option but something in us told us to fight with the situation together instead of fighting with each other because of it. Thus we decided to give our relationship a second chance and started it afresh. 

    We decided to support each other through thick and thin and be the pillar of strength for one another. Our love did survive the test and this distance indeed brought us closer. When he was back in India we decided to get married and spent this beautiful life with each other. We have been married for 5 years now and have been through good and bad times together.  When he falls ill I mother him and nurse him till he gets well. I give my advice to him when he is in trouble, at times he happily takes my advice and at other times it hurts his male ego and we end up in a fight just because he doesn’t want me to teach him what to do. There have been times when he has forgotten a birthday gift or when he didn’t wish me on our anniversary. Of course it makes me sad but he manages to cover up for his blunder in the most romantic way possible.

     There are times when I feel he doesn’t seem interested in me like before but he assures me that it is just the way of life and he loves me as much as he ever did. Apart from his mother, I am the only female in front of whom he has ever cried and that in itself proves his comfort with me. There are days when he is worried over something and wants to be left alone, I respect his need for space and let him be. There have been times when we have fought over something and not spoken to each other for days but yet in those times we continue to care for each other silently. He is everything that I could have asked for in a life partner and I hope he shares the same feeling for me.

     I love this man through his good days and bad days, through his love and anger, through his need for wanting me and his need for wanting space, through his imperfections and perfections, through his ups and downs, through his care and his forgetfulness equally. Over the years we have grown so comfortable with each other that we continue to love each other without expecting anything in return. We may not often express to each other through words but our actions speak for themselves. He may not say ‘I love you’ as often as I wish him to but I know he loves me in his every breath.

     I was still lost in my thoughts when he came and hugged me from behind. I looked at him and said “I think I can answer your question now”. He smiled at me with twinkle in his eyes and said “Love is everything you have thought about the whole night and it is everything that you have still not given a thought to. Love is everything that you feel for me and it is everything that I feel for you. No dictionary in this world can hold enough words for us to answer this question so just feel and enjoy it. Love is to be felt by the heart and not be formulated through brain. I love you”. I hugged him tight, this man, he makes everything so simple and beautiful.

 

“Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.”

 

                             Faith..My miracle baby!!!

                

     I was on cloud nine, my heart dancing in joy, my mind always dreaming about how my life will be filled with merry once my baby becomes part of it, I use to check my tummy every morning in the mirror hoping for the baby bump to show, I would imagine her small fingers, little toes and cute smile all day. Throughout the day and night I would only think about her, she became the center of my world. I was counting days, waiting anxiously to hold her in my hands and not just feel her in my womb. Every time my husband and I went for my regular check-ups and test, we would come out of the clinic with broad smile on our face like every other to-be parents.

     However, something went terribly wrong during fifth month of my pregnancy and thereafter every visit to the clinic was painful. On our way to the clinic both of us kept quiet in the car, trying hard to hide our tears and fears and praying that the visit will bear us some good news this time around. Every time we came out of the clinic, our fears only magnified and the tears would roll down our cheeks, both of us making no attempts to hide it this time. My BP was shooting up, I was having sleepless nights, my health was failing with every passing day and the baby inside me was suffering immensely.

     The baby was not responding as she should have, she was not growing the way doctors expected her to, sometimes there would be no moments from her for days at stretch, after innumerable tests the doctors declared that I was going to have a tough pregnancy and there were chances that my dreams will come shattering if things didn’t improve soon. One day the doctors announced that my body and the baby were not getting any better with the treatment and they may have to get the baby out if the treatment fails. On the other hand, even if the treatment shows any improvement than we can’t rule out the possibility of a still baby or that my baby would have a complicated life. Though the doctors were hoping that the worst may not come true, my heart sank completely.

     On hearing this news, I detached myself from the world, I would cry endlessly; I use to get up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat, fear and negative thoughts were overtaking my blissful life. My family and husband tried their best to pacify me even when they themselves were miserable but I could just not accept the fate of my baby. After a brief period of denial and weeping, one day as I sat in my balcony looking at people walking on the street, something in me triggered a thought of hope, my first positive thought after the dreadful news.

     As I was looking at countess life on the streets carrying on with their daily routine I wondered that not everyone walking on the street may be having cheerful life, yet they are going on as usual unlike me who is cribbing and being terrible. I got lost in my thoughts wondering what is it that they have and I am lacking and pat came the reply –FAITH.

     When nothing works in your favor, when the entire universe is against you, when there is not even slightest hope of things getting better than FAITH makes its entry in your heart. Faith is that magical thing that helps you sail through the storm. It makes you believe in the unbelievable, it gives you the strength to make impossible possible, it is such a strong feeling that it can change your world and thought process in no time. During those tiring times, I told myself to have faith in my motherly love, to have faith on my loving baby, to have faith on my weak body, to have faith on my dishearten heart and more importantly to have faith on my umbilical cord. I started developing positive thoughts, I started dreaming of my life ahead with my baby, I started believing in the love that my kid and I shared, I started living my days in hope, believing completely that one day I will give birth to a healthy baby who will give me plenty of happiness.

     My family was surprised with this sudden transformation in me. They too suppressed their own fears and started having faith in my faith. During the remaining few days of my pregnancy my faith became firm and my hopes became stronger. I realized the most amazing things in life tend to happen right at the moment you are about to give up hope. My days of labor finally bore sweet fruits, and I welcomed my little healthy baby in this world through normal delivery. I couldn’t believe the enormous power I had within me until I saw my baby crying in front of my eyes and my doctor smiling at me and declaring the baby as miracle baby.  I have named my baby FAITH – quiet unusual but just perfect for her.

     My baby hates her name and complaints about it to me often but the day she grows up to understand the significance of it, I am sure she will appreciate it.

“Faith is all about believing, you don’t know how it will happen, but you know it will.”

Many Mothers To Many Daughters!!!

                               

To my little baby,

   It is too early for me to pen down a letter for a 2 year old child, but I am too overwhelmed to wait for your wedding day to enclose the plethora of emotions in a letter. This is a letter I want you to read not once but several times, not just on your wedding day but every time when you need to find yourself, not just because it is my story but because it is going to be yours someday, not because your mother wrote it to you but because every daughter must know!!

   Being a 21^st century independent woman, freedom was my life and marriage a phobia. For a girl in her mid-twenties, having a decent job, a reasonably good education, supportive parents, crazy friends, appreciation at workplace, not being answerable to anyone for my actions meant a perfect life for me. No part of my life’s puzzle was missing (not even your dad) or so I felt!  But the society I belonged to made sure that my life was not as easy going as I wanted it to be. The question of my marriage continued to pop up every now and then, and I tried to avoid it with the best possible excuses my brain could produce.

   One day, your grand-dad (my dad) took seriously ill; he sat me down for a thoughtful conversation. Somewhere deep within I knew where the talk was headed, with my fingers crossed I heard him patiently. That day a daughter’s excuse failed in front of a father’s concern. Life started writing a new chapter for me and with absolutely no interest I waited for things to unfold. It was not as if I didn’t believe in the institution of marriage but freedom over-weighed my urge to settle down in life.

   After rejecting a couple of inappropriate candidates and after being rejected by few unsuitable (or so I would like to believe) guys, your dad and I chose each other to spend the rest of our lives together.  Your dad is an amazing man, a responsible son, a caring brother, an affectionate son-in-law, a jovial friend, an adorable husband and a doting father. He swept me off my feet and made me fall in love with him in no time. All my apprehensions concerning marriage started diluting and excitement started gushing in.

   Just when the wedding preparations started in full swing, reality hit me hard.  It dawned on me that I was not just marrying your father but I was marrying his entire family, I was not just stepping in a new phase of my life but I was withdrawing from my old life, I was not just shifting to a new house but I was leaving my own house forever, I was not just accepting a new family but I was moving away from my own family. While I admit that I was overjoyed I had met my Mr. Right and I was enjoying all the attention showered on a bride to be, but somewhere deep in my heart I carried sadness and fear with me wherever I went.

   For first few days I felt lost in an unfamiliar territory. First taste of my new life started the very next day when I was asked to get up at dawn for some rituals. The moment I entered the kitchen, I was loaded with instructions on what to cook, how to cook, when to cook. Like an obedient daughter-in-law I mentally noted down everything and started helping the ladies with the meal. At the dining table, after having my first morsel of food, I felt my stomach was set on fire. Being brought up on bland food all my life, the highly seasoned food brought tears in my eyes. I don’t know whether the tears were due to excessive spices in the food or due to the fact that life was beginning to take a turn of 180 degrees for me. 

   As the days passed by, new changes were awaiting me with open arms. Before my mind could even comprehend the alteration, my heart started adjusting to the circumstances. I was never an early riser but in this new household I was expected to be the first one to wake up, my parents never questioned me on my dressing style but my in-laws made sure I was dress as per the occasion, at my mom’s place I never really cared to help her with household chores but here I was trying to balance my career and home, my friends and family took a backseat whereas my husband and his family became a priority for me, I was carefree before marriage but now I started caring for every small need of my family, earlier my decisions were self made but now all my decisions were taken with sufficient inputs from the family. The biggest stroke came when I shed my father’s name and embraced my husband’s name. This new name bought with it a new identity that I myself was yet to identify with.

    For a brief period of time I felt burdened down by the responsibilities, I started longing for my freedom, I experienced mood swings, and I was just not willing to accept this new life since my previous life still looked far more beautiful. There were times when I missed sipping coffee with my dad, when I missed sleeping on my mom’s lap, when I missed doing nothing and rotting my time, when I missed hanging out with my friends till late night, when I missed being carefree, when I missed being free of responsibilities, when I missed being MYSELF!

    While I was being selfish and a victim of my own pity what I didn’t realize was my new family was going through its own share of emotions. Your dad knew my mental state and he became my pillar of strength. A loving husband that he is, he made me feel special through his sweet gestures, he listened to my cribbing endlessly for hours, he hugged me when I missed my family, he took me on long drives when I needed fresh air, he shouldered my responsibilities, he sacrificed his own outings with friends to make time for me, he shared his room with me, he treated me like a queen, he took all my tantrums with a smile on his face. His life was changing just like mine but together we were helping each other to adapt to this new life.

    My father-in-law is a perfect father figure. He is a man of few words but he made sure he was there for me whenever I missed my father. I used to talk to him often in person and consult him on various matters. On his part he gave me the same love and respect that he gave his own daughter.

   Like any girl, before my marriage I always dread my mother-in-law. Following the stereotype, I too had a preconceived notion in my head that I will not get along well with her. Just like I had tough time accepting these new people in my life, she too had taxing times sharing her son with me. There were times when your grand-mother and I had difference of opinion, when we were not on the same page, when our views conflicted but what is remarkable is in spite of the differences she never disrespected me or showed her authority over me. She gave me the freedom to express my views, she respected my opinions, and she let me make my choice. 

    Although she is my mother-in-law, in her heart she is a mother and she always will be, not just a mother to your dad but also to me. Whenever I fell sick she cared for me like my own mother, she tried to adjust her own routine as per my schedule, and she tried to help me achieve equilibrium in my personal and professional life. She is a mother-in-law today but at some point in life she, too, was a daughter-in-law and she empathized with me more than anybody else.

   It is true that I left my name, my family, my home, my identity for new relations but the fact remains that three other people also changed themselves to accept me with all the love and respect. What started off as compromise translated to love. Things that I did out of force initially, I do it out of choice now.

 

  When you came into our life, my princess, my world was complete. Today, I am trying my best to do equal justice to the various roles that I play; the role of a daughter, a wife, a daughter-in-law and a mother. Over the years, I felt the society was biased, that God was partial, that man had an upper hand over women. But today I can happily claim that as women we are the ones who keep life going. Life originates from us and our sacrifice keeps life going. It is the women that binds two families, it is the women who is capable of bringing smile on so many faces, it is the women who is willing to change herself to make others happy, it is the women who holds the thread of all the relations. I feel blessed to be a woman and I feel equally proud to have a daughter who like me is going to be the center of her own little world.

   I want you to keep this letter with you forever so that whenever you feel lost amongst thousands of people in your life, you find your purpose of being a woman, you find your inner strength, you find your happiness on which is dependent the happiness of so many other lives and more importantly that you find YOURSELF!

With loads of love,

Mom.

                      The other woman…..
      

                            

        A week had passed in this new house and yet I was a total stranger lost in the house full of relatives, guests, family members. Elders in the house were bidding adieu to the guests who finally realized that one week after the wedding it was time for them to go back home. Far in the other corner of the house, the younger lot were unwrapping the gifts and gossiping about the big day celebrations. Outside in the verandah, the kids were busy playing and discussing the games they would play with their new aunty. Amidst all the hustle-bustle, I stood quietly in my room, still trying to make out who is who, when he came and stood in front of me.  He was standing barely 2 feet away from me, his dark black eyes staring at me. It had been a week since we took the vow and we became man and wife, but not once had we got the time to sit alone and talk. 

        Ours was not a love marriage, it was a match arranged by both set of parents, and so I had suspected that I would have goose bumps at his first stare but surprisingly I stood calm and composed. His eyes read not of love but of trust, which left me in a state of confusion. Before I could figure out what was happening, couple of his sisters, unaware of the word “privacy”, pushed themselves into the room and dragged him away. His eyes still trying to convey something that my mind failed to read.

           Later in the evening we escaped the pondering eyes of the family and met at the terrace. He stood there, his eyes staring at me yet again, forcing me to figure out what his heart wanted to convey. Strange as it may sound, I realized he wanted to talk about the “other woman” in his life. Ever since our first meeting, I was aware of this other woman in his life. The other woman, here being, none other than his motherland. I knew since day one that however dutiful a wife I become, I will never be his first love for he had already promised his life and death to another woman.

        My mother was not particularly happy with this match, because any dotting mother in her right senses would not want her daughter to marry a man who constantly lives under the shadow of death. But I instantly fell for this army man, in fact it was his love and loyalty for the other woman that attracted me towards this man in uniform. I was well aware that my life would not be like other Indian wives but I was not expecting him to leave me for his first love within a week of our marriage. His heart was torn between his duty towards the nation and his responsibility towards his bride. While the dark clouds of war were taking the entire nation under its wraps, I knew country needed this man much more than I did.

        Next morning while everyone in the house gathered to bless him and pray for the safety of the nation, our eyes met again, this time his eyes urging me to have faith in him. I wished him luck not knowing if I would ever see this man again. In the days that followed, my huge family tried to pacify me and I too tried to keep myself occupied with the household chores. Every time the door bell rang, my heart skipped a beat, praying that the person on the other side is not carrying the worst news of my life.

        Sometimes sitting alone in the balcony, tracing the narrow path between the lush green fields, hoping to see him come running from the far end I think was it a wise decision to marry a man who I am sharing with another woman? But the thought would vanish in no time, making me feel proud of the man who is so loyal to the country, to his duty, to the other woman that not once did he think of taking a step back. 

        On one hand are handful of monsters who murder innocent people, who shamelessly rape girls, who steal common man’s bread and butter and on other hand are men like my husband who serve their motherland selflessly, who leave their family to protect zillion of strangers out there, who without slightest fear are putting their lives at stake for the safety of fellow countrymen.  As much as I think of him, I fall more and more in love not just with him but also with the other woman in his life. His unconditional love for the nation where he was born, his unquestionable devotion to the land of his dreams, his unrestricted patriotism for his motherland, gives me the strength to share my man with this other woman. 

        While he is earnestly fighting for the safety of the other woman, I am faithfully praying for the well being of my loving husband, his companions and for the woman herself. I SALUTE the brave- hearts who fearlessly face the enemies at the borders and I also SALUTE the wives of these soldiers who like me are sharing their husbands with the motherland and giving them the strength to be real heroes of the nations. Here I am still waiting for him to run through the green fields and hug me tight.   JAI HIND!!!

Life...Death...and everything in between!!!

        "No...God please no...please no" I was screaming. These words were now part of my morning prayers and the pain a daily ritual. For almost a month now, I woke up with a heavy head. My head hurting so bad each morning that I would cry in misery and pull my hair. No amount of home remedies had slightest effect on my pain; neither were the medicines working as expected. The pain lasted throughout the day and the intensity remained more or less the same. Work diverted my attention away from my agony but the pain refused to cease. 

        Finally when it became unbearable I decided to visit a specialist and get to the root cause of my head ache. Visiting clinics always sends shivers down my nerves but this time I gathered the courage to face all the test and check up with a brave heart. That night out of all the nights I tried to put myself to sleep not just with the distress but also with the fear of undergoing innumerable medical checkups.

        "No...God please no...please no" I woke up before dawn break with nervousness overshadowing my pain. At doctor's clinic, the long list of test that I had to undergo in next couple of days only added to my trauma. After facing the medical weapons, seeing the doctor pull blood out of my body ruthlessly, the needles being punctured in my skin I thought it was the end of my suffering but little did I know it was the beginning of an infinite period of ordeal. The doctor, with utmost ease read out my reports stating that I was diagnosed with brain tumor and that it was too late to expect a miracle. BRAIN TUMOR?? Is he serious? Does that mean that I have very few days left before I leave for a heavenly journey? My last journey? No this can’t be true after all I am just 25!!!

            It took me a while to understand that death had nothing to do with my age, nothing to do with my dreams, nothing to do with my wish to live. It dawned on me that I had to act strong in front of my parents because when I break this news to them they will die a hundred times before my actual death. For first time in years I realized the importance of time. My entire past stood in front of me as a monster now. I had just recently applied for a car loan so that my aged parents don’t have to face the crowd in public transport, after my death who will repay the loan? I had an ugly fight with my best friend and our egos kept us from resolving the issue, but now do I have the time to apologize? To hug him? To bury our differences and to go on long drives again? I had totally immersed myself in my work over the past few years hoping to make it big in life. But will these years of work give me a second chance to live so that I can catch up with my old friends? Watch all the movies that I missed? Give me an opportunity to go back in time so that I can attend all the family functions that I skipped owing to my work? I secretly fell in love with my friend two years back but I never gathered the courage to express my feelings fearing I will lose him forever. But now when I was losing myself to death should I not tell him how much I love him? 

            With death approaching me, all my dreams of being his wife, of being loved by him, of telling him that he is the only person I ever loved came crashing. Marriage, kids all these had now become a distant reality. I never indulged in petite corporate politics but the peppy games that were played by my colleagues had made me indifferent to them and I never enjoyed my work place. Do I now have the time to change things? To make my office a better place to work? Due to my shyness I had not once in my entire life told my parents, my friends, my relatives how much I love them but do I have enough time left to make up for the loss? No, the answer to all my questions was a simple NO. Over the years I have simply lived a lifeless life, a mere robotic programmed life. In fact it won’t be a surprise if I say that I had not really lived my life in all these years. With handful of breathes left I have to mend all the relations that I have messed up, I have to finish all unfinished business, I have to live a life that will not be mine anymore. Fear was creeping in at the speed of light but I was helpless, helpless to the most certain event of my life.

            "No...God please no...please no" I woke up in middle of the night. My entire body soaked in sweat, my heart beating so fast that I could hear my heartbeats, my hands and feet turning lifeless, I was clueless what was happening. I took a deep breath and realized it was the nightmare that had almost killed me. I fought my worst fear throughout the night and rushed to the clinic, first thing in the morning. While the doctor was analyzing my report I was silently praying that my nightmare would not turn into a reality. I thank my lucky stars that the reports read that I had nothing but sinus and that I will be fine in sometime. 

            On my way home I realized how one nightmare had taught me the most important lesson of my life, so what God spared me this time but death is unpredictable and I should not take my life for granted. It was time for me to start my life afresh, enjoy every moment to the fullest so that when death comes knocking, I die peacefully rather than with regrets. It took me one nightmare to get the picture of what LIFE is, what DEATH is and what EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN is!!! Right from this very moment let us get back to THAT THING CALLED LIFE!!!  

                                     If only I could...........

          Tomorrow, I won’t see the day break from this balcony, tomorrow I won’t sip my morning coffee with you, tomorrow I won’t witness this chaos around me, tomorrow this place will become a forbidden territory for me because tomorrow is the day you choose to end a decade long relationship with me. A decade back, through this very main door you brought me into this house as your newlywed wife and tomorrow when I walk past this door, I will be a stranger to you. Today as I spend the last few hours of my life in this house, I just wish to sit back and walk down the memory lane, just relive those cheerful days, just rewind those happy times, I just want to reminisce my past and not dread my future.

          Together I grew up with you in this place, I agree when we were newly married I didn't know how to make tea, for you my love, I learnt to cook. I know I am not the best cook around but believe me cooking for you and feeding you bought me immense pleasure. Every corner of this house has a fond memory attached, the fight in the kitchen, discussing the world over the dining table, watching movies together in the living area, sharing our dreams in the balcony and having those romantic talks in the bedroom. Oh! You are just not throwing me out of this place but you are eliminating me from your life altogether. 

            Being extremely short tempered, I mellowed down as you made me understand things and helped me deal with my insecurities. I am no longer the person that I was when I walked into your life, as you nourished me through the years. Our world was a happy place, wasn't it? Till all hell broke loose on us! How clearly I remember the fateful day when the reports carried the most gruesome news for us. Like any loving couple, we too had just wished for a little bundle of joy, a child who would complete our world, who would define our undying love for each other, who will fill up this house with mirth and who will call me ma and you dad. 

            What out of the box had we asked HIM for? What unreasonable demand had we made? What sin had we committed to be prohibited of nurturing this dream? If we weren't wrong than why, why was I diagnosed with ovarian cancer? Why was the right of being a mother taken away from me? Why was I looked down with sympathy? Why was I made to see my whole world crash in front of my eyes? Why my love, why? I screamed, I cried, I fought, I vented out my anger in front of you but you I know were gulping in the harsh reality of life while pacifying me. 

            While my emotions were beyond control, I know how difficult it was for you to stay calm and help me go through the surgery and pain. Had it not been for your support I would have never been able to come on terms with this cruel game that destiny played with us. With time the physical pain vanished but till date the mental agony haunts me. It pricks when I think that I can’t happily flaunt my baby bump, it hurts to know that there won’t be any baby shower, it saddens me that we will no longer be like any other couple. The past one year has been really pestering for you, not just because we had to deal with the fact that we will remain childless but also because you had tough time coping with my mood swings. 

         How I wouldn't cook for weeks, how I would refuse to get out of the house, how I would fight with the maid, how I would not eat for days, how I would cry and curse and not come on terms with my infertility annoying you further beyond your level of tolerance. Throughout you have been the most loving husband but when you said "divorce" for the first time, I lost faith in everything. I know this wasn't your first choice to treat the situation but deep down even I knew this was the best thing for you. Why should you be deprived of fatherhood, if I can't be a mother? I could have begged you for dropping the idea of divorce but very strangely deep within I felt you should be given a second chance, a chance to marry another girl, one who can bear your child. As far as I am concerned I don't know where I go from here, but you have given me enough memories to spend the rest of my life reviving them.

        We would have remained man and wife if only I could rewind past one year and change the fate, if only I could be a better partner, if only I could be a mother to your child, if only I could die as your wife, if only I could spend my entire life with you, if only I could to express how much I love you, if only I could tell you that you mean the world to me, if only I could be yours till my last breath my LOVE!!! 

                              Love is Blind!!!

        When I first saw him in college, his attitude invited my attention. He was not the most handsome guy around but there was certain element of appeal in him that made me give him a second look. I saw him from a safe distance, my memory fails me but I think he didn't even take notice of me, yet he somehow arouse my interest. He gave me the impression of being either a thick friend or a person whom I would love to hate. While my mind was struggling to make a settlement between these two extreme thoughts, my heart was trying to establish a connection of sorts with him. His thought vanished from my mind as soon as he vanished from my site, only to make a long lasting impact on my life. 

        It turned out that he was going to be my practical partner for the on-going academic year, which clearly implied his presence around me for hours. Although I had given too much importance to a stranger, I soon realized it was worth it. We managed to strike a chord from the minute we introduced ourselves. He was more interesting than I thought, for he was a perfect blend of smartness and intelligence. I think I was under his spell as he managed to extract the deep dark secrets out of an introvert like me with great ease. Within less than 2 months we turned out to be each other’s best friend.   

        As would be expected from any guy his age he started the usual trick of flirt-with-your-best friend. When with each other we acted crazy, we flirted, we teased each other with random people, we revealed our ex-crushes, we shared our future worries, we wiped each other's tears, we managed to bring a smile on one others face. We acted like best friends at times and at others acted like lovers that we never were. Love was not suppose to cross our mind as we made a promise to each other long back that come heaven or hell we will never fall in love with each other. 

     We were insane to think that manipulating a strong feeling like love was under our will, but nevertheless we chose to stick to pure friendship. While the thought of spending our entire lives with each other was tempting, it was in the good interest of both of us to rule out the option. His parents were conservative and I was too career oriented which reminded us time and again to keep our feelings under check.  

    While my head was acting strong, my heart was falling weak. He continued to mesmerize me and I like a fool was floating in the pool of emotions. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I decided I would tell him that I had already drifted away from the promise. On that fateful day, the sound of my pounding heart filled my ears. I thought love would find fertile ground, only to know later that I had deeply hurt him and betrayed his trust. He didn't say much and his silence hit as a bullet in my heart. Within minutes things changed, air of awkwardness and deadly silence surrounded us on our last evening as friends. I promised him, I will not force him in any kind of relation and we can still continue to be best friends but after breaking the promise once he had no reason to trust me further. He started avoiding me, ignored my messages, my innumerable calls went unanswered, nothing I did melted his heart. I knew I had hurt him beyond repair. I buried myself in the pillow and cried my lungs out. Only my bed sheet knows the amount of tears it has soaked and only my mirror can describe best my swollen face of sadness. 

     Picking up the shattered pieces of my heart I decided to move on, when he suddenly appeared from nowhere. I just managed to catch his glimpse and like our first day, he didn't take notice of me yet again. All the emotions and feeling that I tried hard to suppress now pushed themselves out and I was left standing in the dark past again. I decided to hide myself behind the pillar at Andheri station to see him getting down from his usual 9.16 local train every single day. When I couldn't hold back my feelings, I ran behind him on the streets to plead him to give me my best friend back, only to be hit by a speeding truck.  

    The next moment when I opened my eyes, darkness surrounded me. Having lost the apple of my eyes long back, that day I lost both my eyes and with that I lost my tears forever. Without cursing anyone I accepted my fate and realized that our paths were different and that we were never meant to be one. I no longer wish to meet him for I don't want to know that the eyes which were ones filled with happiness are now filled with sympathy for me. I still hide behind the pillar at 9.16 without skipping a single day, not that my eyes can see him anymore but my heart feels his presence for those few minutes. My saga reminds me of a line I once read "Not everyone in this world has the fate to cherish the fullest form of love some are born just to experience the abbreviation of it".

 

                       Just friends!!!

                                                              ---hanging by a thread between love and friendship..

           Adapting to the western culture at the speed of light, the Indian roots don't seem to leave us when it comes to the girl-guy thing. "Just friends" and "Just friends" may mean one and the same till you have a closer look and start reading between the lines. While the former indeed implies to being best of friends, the latter takes friendship to a new level all together. There stands a very thin line between being best friends and being lovers but the fact is most fail to notice the existence of that line.

            "Either a gal and a guy can never be best friends or they are always more than friends" this is a typical mentality which people tend to follow but I beg to differ! In my opinion, not all relationships seal their fate with love. Having a best friend from opposite gender doesn't denote that your heart is pumping fast and that your mind is lost in love-land as it appears to the world around you. Sometimes the equation that you share with the opposite species is far more comfortable than the bond shared with your own gender clan friends. 

            It is true that he/she is on your speed dial, that you may have flirted often, said hate you and love you in one conversation itself, did silly things to make him/her happy, burned into ashes when someone else tried to be better friend with him/her than you, teased each other with random girls and guys, talked nonsense for hours at a stretch but that doesn't permit people to draw the conclusion that something is cooking between the two. Sometimes the contentment and the freedom that one experiences in friendship far exceeds the pleasure of a relationship so much so that love fails to fit itself anywhere in the frame. 

            I fail to understand why it is difficult for the spectators to gulp the fact that a pure friendship can prevail between a gal and a guy and not all dots can be connected to bring the love angle into picture. One is really in such a comfort zone that it doesn't really matter how the world interprets the "Just friends" as "Just friends" but I guess it is high time that we start accepting it. Two people may act crazy, do peppy things, enjoy each other’s company but may not be a couple and that is when they start calling each other "Just friends". 

        Sometimes the thought of risking your friendship for love may not appeal you, sometimes the suffocation of a relationship may scare you, sometimes there is absolutely no romantic love to your friendship, sometimes it may be a mutual decision to stick to being just friends but in any case I believe the world should let them continue hanging by that thin thread between love and friendship and let them be "Just friends"!!!

             

No blood ties yet emotional connect!!!

                                         

   "I think I like him”, “this new professor is so boring”, “are you sure we have to study this chapter?", "lets bunk today”, “hell!! Will this subject ever come to an end?", "mom is mad at me for coming home late”, “results out and I cleared"...such common statements but such uncommon feeling. We may share best relationship with our parents but when it comes to these happy-sad times nobody can complement our friends. 

        It is so strange that at one instant we are not even aware about their existence, slowly they make an entry in our life, it starts with a mere hi/hello, transforms to exchanging phone numbers and sharing notes, evolves to bitching and gossiping, matures to discussing love-life-career and finally promotes to a level when they become an important ingredient of your life. So eccentric is it that all of a sudden you start pouring your heart to someone who just sometimes back was an unknown. 

    Discussing those peppy crushes, planning that first date, outlining a surprise party for them, conversing everything and anything under the sun over those long phone calls, enjoying those "ruthna-manana" moments, forwarding "friends forever" messages, having those petite fights with each other and hugging each other the very next instant, bashing up that moron who brought tears to their eyes, weeping on each other’s shoulders, victimizing them for all our pranks and than making funny faces. Oh the list is endless! How beautiful is the word friendship that it sees so no class, creed, religion? How pure is the fondness that the girl-guy factor evaporates? How selfless is the emotion that it accepts you the way you are? 

     Friends are those species who keep the fire in you burning even when you have lost all your confidence, those who hold your hand when the entire world has rejected you, those who believe in you even when you have ceased to believe in yourself,  those who won’t let you shed a drop of tear even at the hour of crises, those who will go to any lengths to see your face crack into a smile, those who will sit beside you when you are bedridden, those who will curse you for scoring more than them yet they will find pride in your achievements, those who will be up till midnight to be the first one to wish you on your birthday, those who will pull your leg to no end, those who will demand a treat for something as silly as a new phone, those who will neither try to complete you nor care about your incompleteness, those who will love you for what you are and not hate you for something that you are not, they will not intervene in your personal space yet they will find a place in your heart and it is so natural that you may not even realize that you have found those companions for your entire life. 

          Even when circumstances take us away from them the relation remains unchanged. In this busy life we may not meet them as often as we plan but whenever we catch up with them we start from where we stopped last time. Words fall short to describe this sweet-sour relationship but heart can’t stop caring for them. Blessed is the living soul who has found a pal who giggles with his laughter and sobs with his tears!