Love – as I feel it!!!

   

    “What is love?” he threw a casual question at me over dinner. Not usually the one to not have answers; I promptly replied “Love is everything I feel for you”.  He responded with a smile “Happy to hear that but then again what is it that you feel for me?” I opened my mouth to speak but failed to gather words that could even make up for a single statement. He was enjoying the expression on my face, first time in years he rendered me speechless with simplest of the question. That night I tried hard to put myself to sleep but the conversation over the dinner table played in my mind over and over. It wasn’t the fact that I couldn’t answer him that haunted me but the fact that I have loved this man for years now and yet I can’t tell him in words what is it that I have felt for him all this while?  It was such a simple question and yet the answer seemed so complicated.

     I knew nothing would bring back my sleep so it was time to ponder over the question with a cup of coffee. As I settled down comfortably in my balcony for a long session with my thoughts, I was instantly taken back to the moment when I first felt a connection with my husband. Before I met my husband, I had dated couple of guys and with each one of them it always felt as if I was in love (I guess I didn’t knew even back then what love was!!). The spark would subside in few days and we would part ways. After one such failed relationship, I decided to be single for a while. I told myself I had been through enough of this emotional drama and maybe I just have to put an end to this series of dates and heartbreaks. I moved on with my loveless life concentrating on my career, my family, friends and my own self though I should admit I missed having someone with me.

     This guy (now my husband) had moved into my building some 2 years back in a rented flat and I did see him once in a while in the lift but we never even exchanged smile. During my “being single” phase I had one of those really bad days that had me nearly in tears when I entered the lift. He was there in the lift behind me from where he could certainly not see my face and so he knew nothing of my sadness. I don’t know what triggered the urge in him to talk to me but he did bring a smile on my face. We connected instantly and from there on unfolded my favorite love story. 

    We started chatting casually on Facebook and in no time he became my favorite addiction. I was constantly glued to my phone and was always hoping for a message from him to flash on my phone. We chatted about almost everything and anything under the sun and I started developing a level of comfort with him where I knew I can pour my heart to him. I was still not ready for love and so the idea of dating him never occurred to me. After a brief period of chatting we started hanging out together and on one such outing he casually asked me out. I didn’t see it coming but without judging the situation much I said a yes. We started dating but this time it was not like before, every moment with him seemed so magical, so beautiful. When we were together time came to a standstill, nothing mattered except the 2 of us and as soon as we would part ways to go home we would miss each other instantly. 

    This relationship felt like a fairy tale where my man loved me endlessly but even love has to pass the test of times. When we were enjoying this newly found love for each other he was asked to move to another country for 6 months by his company. Every single cell of my body wanted him to reject this opportunity and to stay back with me but I knew together we had to welcome this chance as it was a dream come true moment for him. We hugged each other and cried ceaselessly at the airport. The next phase was the one that threw so many challenges in the way of our love. 

    We were in two different countries, in two different time zones and in two different state of mind. Long distant relationships are never easy because you don’t have him with you when you need him, you can’t hug him when you want to, you have to trust him and his loyalty towards you, you have to develop oodles of patience, you have to celebrate your special days without each other’s physical presence and you have to learn to hide your worries in order to not add any burden to them. We tried our best to figure out a way through this and so we set a rule book on do’s and don’ts. We did try to stick to our rule book but love is not an emotion that can be controlled or trained.

     It was hard for me to not see him and I would cry myself to sleep at night. When we spoke in the morning via video call he would see my swollen face and it would fill him with guilt of choosing his dream over me. We started arguing and fighting a lot over small matters. It wasn’t that our love for each other was turning cold but guilt, loneliness, worry were overpowering our love for each other. Things started turning soil to the extent that we had started considering break up as the best option but something in us told us to fight with the situation together instead of fighting with each other because of it. Thus we decided to give our relationship a second chance and started it afresh. 

    We decided to support each other through thick and thin and be the pillar of strength for one another. Our love did survive the test and this distance indeed brought us closer. When he was back in India we decided to get married and spent this beautiful life with each other. We have been married for 5 years now and have been through good and bad times together.  When he falls ill I mother him and nurse him till he gets well. I give my advice to him when he is in trouble, at times he happily takes my advice and at other times it hurts his male ego and we end up in a fight just because he doesn’t want me to teach him what to do. There have been times when he has forgotten a birthday gift or when he didn’t wish me on our anniversary. Of course it makes me sad but he manages to cover up for his blunder in the most romantic way possible.

     There are times when I feel he doesn’t seem interested in me like before but he assures me that it is just the way of life and he loves me as much as he ever did. Apart from his mother, I am the only female in front of whom he has ever cried and that in itself proves his comfort with me. There are days when he is worried over something and wants to be left alone, I respect his need for space and let him be. There have been times when we have fought over something and not spoken to each other for days but yet in those times we continue to care for each other silently. He is everything that I could have asked for in a life partner and I hope he shares the same feeling for me.

     I love this man through his good days and bad days, through his love and anger, through his need for wanting me and his need for wanting space, through his imperfections and perfections, through his ups and downs, through his care and his forgetfulness equally. Over the years we have grown so comfortable with each other that we continue to love each other without expecting anything in return. We may not often express to each other through words but our actions speak for themselves. He may not say ‘I love you’ as often as I wish him to but I know he loves me in his every breath.

     I was still lost in my thoughts when he came and hugged me from behind. I looked at him and said “I think I can answer your question now”. He smiled at me with twinkle in his eyes and said “Love is everything you have thought about the whole night and it is everything that you have still not given a thought to. Love is everything that you feel for me and it is everything that I feel for you. No dictionary in this world can hold enough words for us to answer this question so just feel and enjoy it. Love is to be felt by the heart and not be formulated through brain. I love you”. I hugged him tight, this man, he makes everything so simple and beautiful.

 

“Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.”